[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	dc - the places you have come to fear the most	]

I miss the winter days when everything seemed so alive and beautiful but this summer heat feels like im at the end of my rope.

Day 1 of your week camping with paige and i already feel like jumping off the highbridge and forget how to swim just before i hit the water.

[	mood	|	disappointed	]
[	music	|	dashboard confessional - Hands Down	]

The  End.

[	mood	|	restless	]
[	music	|	Rum is for drinking, not burning - Senses Fail	]

Last night was the worst night of my life and I almost caved in and just gave up. Its funny how I write things in this online journal thing that really isn't meant to be for anyone but me but yet I still link it in my profile, people check it and read what I write and it still has no effect on the outlook of others, but I can't expect to change other people with the simple words that I type. Did you ever notice that when things are going great, right then, right when your loving everything about life, it all caves in. And the fact that it all caves in isn't so bad but the fact that it all crashed down at once. Over time we get better and get ready for the next big fall, but what happens with it all hits you at once and you fall so hard you can't get up. I still haven't completely decided if I'm going to stay for the summer, things are getting more sketchy by the day and I just can't keep up with it all.

    This is the part where i complain and cry about everything and the people who read will leave obnoxious comments and I don't expect anything less but don't worry, I wouldn't expect anything better. Theres only a few people who read this livejournal and most of them are, what I'd like to think as close friends, but nothings what it seems like and I guess I haven't learned this yet. Michele and Ashley tell me I'm hott and all this crap when I know its them just kidding, but it really got me thinking about how low on life I am right now. At this momment right now, I couldn't name more than 5 friends, thats how bad its gotten.

All the pressure just keeps piling up and I'm gonna cave any second and no ones here to help me. We had an open discussion about how we felt about girls having sex and seth brought up lauren and I got the shit for it and I guess I couldn't expect anything more than lauren trying to give me shit and blah blah blah. And she said something that really hurt me but I tryed and still try to play it off like its a joke. She told me that I find pleasure in torturing people and hurting peoples feelings and I'm not here to yell back at her or start another fight or anything but if thats the way your boyfriend's bestfriend comes off to you, then I'm sorry, it was never my intention. But I can't change it and go back in time and avoid the entire conversation and I was just going on what I heard so don't give me crap about something you have very little knowlage of. And I also love how one very close friend of mine feels the need to reiterate everything i say to his girlfriend and get me in trouble. You hate me lauren, I know, but the need to say it over and over again and try to make my life miserable isn't the right thing to do and you know it, so stop trying to. paige - I know you hate me deep down and I know your like, timmy's best friend and thats great, nothing wrong with friends but when you sit there and tell me you don't hate me and hang out with me and then 2 days later tell me you DO hate me and have timmy sleep over your house with michele there. If you were in the car, which you weren't, you'd know that I told michele in a sincere tone that I trusted her and that I didn't mind and I don't think she should not have a good time on my behalf. But you wouldn't know that and wouldn't care, becuase when some ones pissed at someone they have their mind set and you can't change it. Your fake and you play if off like its another one of your games. Your one of those people who change their moods and opinoins based on whats best for YOU. I don't see why you'd think that if michele slept over your house, it'd be ok to invite timmy, but whatever, I honestly didn't care. I was pretty pissed about all the shit you gave me last night about how I'm jealous and I'm afriad and all that stuff. And you know what, I am jealous, I am afriad, I know that michele's hot and I am afriad she'd go off with timmy, but you don't know, oh no, of course not. Look at me paige, Im not your Mr. Popular and left face it,  I'm not the best looking of group either. I always will be afriad, becuase michele can get better than me when ever she wanted and you know it and you'd tell me everyday just to beat down on me if you cared to. I CAN'T buy her things at the mall, I can't even afford my own meals, I don't have a job, and thank you for pointing it out, I want you to know that i tears me apart when I have to ask people for FOOD. I want you to know that unless I'm at someones house, I don't eat more than 1 meal a day and Im not here to cry about it but I don't have a loving household like you, I don't have a great job and a great positive outlook on things and everything you have that I don't but to sit there and smear that in my face is what makes you a BITCH. But what'd you care, you don't care about what I think.   drew - Your stilla messed up kid and I think you've probably become one of the closest friends I have, you're never taking sides on shit and your never involved and your always quite about everything you do and I wish I could be like you but I can't. I am moving in with you thursday and I can't wait, I do think were gonna have some crazy times to look foward to and Its going to be awsome. Ashley - I do like you and I do enoy hanging out with you, you always put a positive spin on everything...well except your situation with drew, you confuse him so much and its horrible that you do it on purpose but who am I to say anything.   Jared - You've been an awsome friend since what? the 5th grade?! haha. The endless stories of Mr.Cady and all the awsome times we had in the office but we haven't been that close in a while and I'm not trying to bring it back to paige, but Its becuaseof her. She takes up all your time when your not working and you do everything she says and the only way to hangout with you is to hang out with paige too which I think is pretty impossible now so...Sorry, maybe sometime we can hang out, but until then...

Michele - You are amazing and I think thats obvious to everyone but I guess I can't see that. Your cousin Kevin thinks im an asshole and I don't apprieciate you and hes right. I try so hard not to get pissed about everything and I try so hard to figure out what your feeling and I want us to be together forever but we both know its not possible. All your friends hate me and I can't take it. I do trust you, I'm just worried that you'd go off with some other guy becuase they're better than me. I'd give you the world if I could but I can't, I can't give you anything more than my love and it kills me to say that. You know that I'd do anything just so you wouldn't feel 1 ounce of pain or sadness and that I'd walk to your house in the middle of the night everyday if it was the only way to see you. I've accomplished making you cry what? twice now? And I don't see it as accomplishment and I'm not proud of it and I'm sorry if I ever hurt you becuase it was never my intention, ever. If you only knew the half of what goes on in my head you'd know anything I've ever done and ever will do that hurts you isnt intentional. Theres nothing that compares to you and the fact that your beautiful and smart and cool and everyone likes you and I'm pretty much the very opposite of that, it scares me. We could just be laying there and I'd think to myself, how the hell did I manage this, what is a girl like you doing with a guy like me...

I'm not just worried about when I move, but when I live with drew. I have no money to go anywhere, I have nothing but a few good friends and my love to give and thats all I can offer. I'm sorry if its not good enough for all of you people but thats all I got. I just wish it all could be better some how..And as bigheaded and I may sound, and no matter how many times I turn down help, deep down I know I need help. I always listened to the song "I wanna save you" by something corporate as if I was supposed to find some girl who needed to be saved and I'd show up and be the man of her dreams and make her happy and love her and live happily ever after when it hit me last night, I'm not the one who is going to save someone, I'm the one that needs to be saved....

I'm sorry for who I am and I can't do much about it but try my best to change. The End.

[	mood	|	calm	]
[	music	|	Brand new - Mix Tape	]

             Even   when   your   away...

                          I  can  still  feel    y o u r    lips on  mine...

   Another amazing night with my one and only, another to look foward too...

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	The best of me - The Starting Line	]

Hey fellas,

         Just checkin in, there isn't much to report, hangin out with michele, ashley and drew alot lately, Haven't been warcrafting much lately. Kinda getting boring now so ... Talked to my parents about staying for the rest of the summer and they said they didn't care as long as they knew who I was staying with and all that whatnot so thats pretty awsome. Im not entirely sure who I'm staying with yet, I want to stay with michele but her mother seems a bit sketchy to me, not sure about that one, ashley keeps telling me how Im staying with her but I'm most likely gonna end up at drews if anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to spend half the summer with michele at her house but I dunno...

          Lauren's birthday was yesterday, her and ashley went to canobie lake all day and then they had cake at 7:30 but I could go...Then today she had a bunch of people at her house for a cookout and once again, I couldn't go, I wanted to go damnit! I talked to paige today, she says she doesn't hate me as much as I thought but I don't know about that one..I'm such a lozer I think I'm gonna go on for an entire paragraph about warcraft, its too bad none of you will understand what im saying...cept maybe jared. Warcraft has lost all its fun and now its possibly the most boringest thing I could do. Our server is full of noobs who constantly be gay about me ninja looting that draconian deflector and when I do run instances, its boring as hell! And all the Alliance on our server rerolled horde so theres like 0 PvP going on and the ratio is like 3:1 Horde. So either im going to switch servers and start over or possibly sell my account and never play it ever again for the rest of my entire life. friggan newbs are so easy to pwn now its rediculas, theres no skill required and I almost want to kill myself. The End.

anyway, Ashley said she'd never touch drews penis becuase it was too hairy so drew did it and I don't think I can ever talk to him again. Sunburn is almost all gone and I've made 230$ in the last 2 days, gonna buy a few things tomarrow and hopefully I'll live out the week. Every day with her is better than the one before and I don't think it can end, ever. and if it does, which we all know it will, I think I might die. Possibly. I wish I had more time, I really do, but til the end of the summer is the best that I can do and its not enough, I swear. I'd do anything, I'd give everything just for more time, just for 1 more day. but I guess crying about it never got anyone anywhere so ...

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	Brand New - Me Vs. Maradona Vs.Elvis	]

The only thing worse than something perfect ending

                 Is waiting for it to end.   And know its    c o m i n g .

[	mood	|	nerdy	]
[	music	|	Something Corporate - The Runaway	]

      Hey, sorry I haven't writin in a while, I just didn't think anyone really cared and I didn't either so I sort of stoped writing but today I thought to myself, what is jared gonna do all summer if he can't read my LJ. So Its my obligation to keep the lj going forever, for jared's sake.

    Friday me, seth, and drew went to the mall, as usual, nothing exciting there. my pops gave me 40$ so I went into hot topic and bought a greatful dead shirt, I wanted to buy a studded belt but they were like 26$ and I didn't have enough money so I just went to pac-sun and got some cologne and bought some mcdonalds and had just over 10 left for the movies yesterday. Seth and drew slept over friday night, that was pretty fun, we were bored 2 in the morning so we went out to my side yard and lit a bunch of paper on fire in the little bonefire bowl thing I have. Then that got boring so we went in the house to find firecrackers but I didn't have anything left besides sparklers, so we messed with those. We kept throwing them in the air until I threw mine into the air and it was just lit so It had a while to go and I accidentally threw it into the tree. We all got freaked out and starting trying to get it out, its so good that it had rained that day or the tree woulda lit up, haha.

      Next morning seth and drew went home, I had to feed the pets and clean and shit since I got the whole house to myself until tuesday night.  I was just hanging around the house for a little and then around 7:30pm came around and drew got to my house. We were meeting lauren, seth, michele, and ashley there to hang out. We sat there for like 20 minutes in my living room in silence, well besides seth just rambling on about nothing, haha. then we go up and drove to laurens house for a few minutes until the movie started, I just wanna let everyone know, I <3 convertables. Things were sort of feeeling tense between me and michele becuase I thought she hated me becuase when we were siting in my living room in silence, she just sort of kept spacing out and not saying anything so I thought she didn't even wanna be there. So I took things into my own hands....somewhat.

      On the drive to laurens house I told her that I hearted her and she told me she hearted me back, it was pretty cool. When we were at lauren's house I was talking to ashley and I was like...wow, she hates me and ashley told me she thought I was hott and michele told me she didn't hate me so that got me going, I was sort of shy at the beginning cuz I was pretty sure she didn't even want to be there...becuase chelsey told me michele was gonna ditch me for her, haha....anyway, we got to the movie and it was good, Lords of Dogtown, I recommend it to all.  I wanted to hold her hand or kiss her during the movie but when I leaning in close to her she sort of leaned to the other side of the chair and kept watching the movie so ya know...that didn't work.

       But on the way home, I asked her if she wanted to hold my hand and I guess thats step one to all relationships....me, michele, ashley, and drew all went back to my house for an hour or so and hung out. Drew made a deal that whatever me and michele did, he would do with ashley, so michele brought up the genious idea of drew grabbing her boob and so, of course, we had to do the same. It only took drew like 20 minutes to do it cuz he just kept tapping her shoulder to ask her as ashley kept laughing and looking the other way. but ya know, you can always count on drewybaby to pullthrough. Im defintly psyced about summer, I've been waiting all year for this. Its the time where your free, you can do whatever you want and don't have to worry about a single thing, like the way life used to be before everything for serious.

    I don't want to get all excited about michele becuase I don't even know if she honestly things we should go out as a "unit". But seriously, shes the kind of the girl most guys dream of and there she was, sitting next to me on my living room couch. Shes the kind of the girl you can say and do whatever you want and not have to worry about acting like your walking on thin ice. Shes the kind of the girl that guys out in the world only dream of and here I am, being a sissy about it and not even going for it. I want to so bad but I can't "read" her or whatever. I can't tell if she hates me or actually likes me. The fact is, the only thing I know is that a girl like her doesn't come around that often and I'm not going to let it just pass me by and live life thinking "I wonder what would have happened if I had just said something..." So when ever I'm feelig nervous around her or I'm not sure about what I'm about to do, I just think to myself, do I honestly want to live in regret of not doing things? "Regret what you did, not what you didn't."

         At the beginning things we didn't really even talk to eachother, but later on in the night I began to loosen up and just hang out. shes a cool kid, i'll tell ya that. I don't like it when people label me "emo" or anything like that but I want more. I don't want to be one of the guys that go to parties and get laid every night and think they are the shit when in the end, they end up the drunken burnouts. To ask for something more is something more powerfull than anything you can imagine, why just hang out with a girl when you know, in the back of your mind, it could work, it could go for miles and miles. Just becuase I want more from things around me doesn't make me emo, or an asshole. If I had a choice between a party asshole who got laid every night, or to truely be in love with a single girl and to only have sex with her, I'd choose love. anyway, michele is the girl you can fall in love with in a single night, I can't wait to see her again, she said she might sleep over tonight or tomarrow and I can't wait. I don't even expect us to do anything more than makeout...should that even happen, I don't want her to think Im after sex, I don't even want to have sex with her. Most people who have livejournals listen to rock and such and if you've ever heard the brand new song

"Sic transit gloria...glory fades" Keep the noise low.

She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shaking head to toe
while your left hand does "the show me around."
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
barely whisper, "This is so messed up."

Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights.
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends,
he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He's gasping for air.
"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her
exactly what it really feels like.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for se-...

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
and for the aching in his guts to subside.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

[	mood	|	nerdy	]
[	music	|	Fallout boy, Saterday	]

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, this have just been too awsome.....not. Well since I haven't writin in a while, I suppose we should make this one as long as possible. Even though theres not much to talk about, everythings just slowly die'ing down as usual.

Today was the sports banquit thing and I wasn't going to go due to lazyness But I got hungry at like 5:45 and realized it was a free spegetti dinner so why the hell not just go. I didn't feel like playing the social outcast today. Me and seth tryed to start our own table to be cool, yet that failed. Ended up sitting with ted, lauren, seth and sam. speakin of sam, haven't talked or seen her around lately. I guess were not allowed to talk to each other anymore. I want to talk to her but I sort of think to myself when Im about to talk to her, what the hell is she gonna want to say to me, just don't bother. And thats when I walk away, but at the same time, I know it's not what I should do it. But enough of that. I saw coach ross at the banquit, still the AHole. They had these awsome cubes of icecream that I want so bad, I want to make a huge like....walk in house with the cubes of icecream. And now that I mention icecream, I've been hangin out at the mall with drew and lauren and annie the last 2 weekends, couldn't be funner.It was nice havin the gang back together.

Annie seems to be doin good, I used her cellphone and called her gay boyfriend David and told him he had a small dick and all this shit and he got ripped and "dumped" annie and all that whatnot, haha. The kid sucks dick, we all know it. Lauren is better than ever if you ask me, still as pretty and funny and cool like shes always been. Shes still dating Zack, of course. I think they're having their 1 year aniversery soon, thats good i guess. Its funny cuz just 3 weeks ago, I hadn't talked to her in like 3 months and now I can't wait to see her again. But the more I think about it, the more it hurts. She reminds me of who I used to be, the person I wish I still was. She reminds me of the old days when things didn't matter and when everyone was everyones friend and everyone got along and you didn't have to stay to your "group" of friennds. She reminds me of how simple life used to be, and the wierd thing is, I've completly changed since those days when, in all honestly, I don't she has one bit. Thats whats so horrible about it, I wish I could go back in time and told her how much it was worth. But now its worth nothing becuase It never started. What the hell, I've gone on for a whole paragraph about some one who I've hung out with twice in the last what? 5 months? Gone on about something that never existed. But I guess its my fualt, like it always has been, who can blame me.\

Anyways, while I was talking to lauren at the mall she was teling me about how marissa is so happily going out with dom now, big surprise there....Lauren said she wanted to come becuase I was gonna be there and how marissa wanted lauren to give me and letter from her and all this shit, chances are if lauren let marissa hang out with us, I would have just left right there, walked home or something. Shes so overrated. She just needs to save her breath, jump off a bridge and save us the bullets. Shes rediculas, I gave her the choice of me or dom and from what I got, she chose dom, and no offense to dom, cuz I've met him once and I didn't really say anything to him but dude, your an idiot. Should you ever read this, take it from me, just walk away man, shes impossible and your wasting your time. And marissa, should you ever read this, You are rediculas. I don't know how else to say it. All the shit, its gay. Every time Im alone in my room or just thinkin about shit before I go to sleep, your in the back of my head. Its horrible. I just want to move and never have to hear or see or think about you ever again.

Off the subject of marrisa cuz everyone I even think about her I get so fucking ripped I could kill some one. haha, I said the word ripped. Seth keeps tellin me how I keep saying that word. I don't know where I got it from but ripped....like...pissed off or angry. I probably heard it somewhere and just can't remember but anyway, its my new cool word. Haha, I'm havin this awsome conversation with greg and its E-mazing.  Were having a conversation 2 in the morning about how you should show your emotions openly and being all bottled up isn't the way to be. haha, if you've ever talked to greg, you'd know that this conversation, without reading it, is hysterical.

Well tomarrow, or rather later, I have gym first block, I can't wait to play woffleball...I found the Duke shorts that my sister stole from me. And speaking of which, shes home now, shes been home for the last week or so, here for good until we move. In a sense I can't wait to move, I can't wait to see the whole new world in virginia. New friends....I hope...New school, new town. A whole new chance to make a first impression and maybe have things work out a little better than this time around.

Lauren said we're gonna hang out at the outlets this week and get ice, yay! anyway, its defintly like 2 in the morning and I have to get up in 4 hours and Im defintly going to be tired all day.

And with this journal entry, I leave you with some song lyrics that contain words of wisdom.

-------------------------------------------------

Single SIlver Bullet - Hawthorne Heights

Tonight, we fly away so high.
Our first full moon sky.

I'll breathe you in,
I won't let you down,
I won't hold your back,
I won't make a sound.

I know what scared you the most.

Being Alone,
Just like them,
Being Alive,
Feeling so... DEAD.

At least you'll have my... HEART.
You know you shine so bright.

Got a single Silver Bullet
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive,
Without you.
Got a single Silver Bullet,
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive,
Without you.

Can you sleep at night,
If I hold you tight.
I won't let you go,
This feels so right.

Please don't leave this... TIME.

At least you'll have my... HEART.
You know you shine sooo bright.

Got a single Silver Bullet
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive,
Without you.
Got a single Silver Bullet,
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive,
Without you.

Tonight, we fly away so high,
Tonight, We fly away.
You know the moon is full and,
I can't live without you.

Tonight we'll fly away
Got a single silver bullet, shot right through my heart
Tonight we'll fly, tonight...

Got a single Silver Bullet
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive,
Without you.
Got a single Silver Bullet,
Shot right through my heart.
To prove I can survive.

Got a single Silver Bullet
Tonight we'll fly away so high
Shot right through my heart.
Like a full moon sky
To prove I can survive,
Without you.

Got a single Silver Bullet,
Tonight we'll fly away so high
Shot right through my heart.
Like a full moon sky
To prove I can survive,
Without you.

-------------------------------------------------

The Fallout Boy - Saterday

I'm good to go
And I'm going nowhere fast
It could be worse
It could be taking you there with me
I'm good to go
But it looks like I'm still on my own

I'm good to go
For something golden
Though the motions I've been going through have failed
And I'm coasting on potential towards a wall
At a 100 miles an hour

When I say
Two more weeks
My foot is in the door, yeah
I can't sleep
In the wake of Saturday, Saturday
Saturday
When these open doors were open-ended
Saturday
When these open doors were open-ended

Pete and I attacked the laws of Astoria
with promise and precision and mess of youthful innocence
And I read about the afterlife
But I never really lived more than an hour, more than an hour

When I say
Two more weeks
My foot is in the door, yeah
I can't sleep
In the wake of Saturday, Saturday
Saturday
When these open doors were open-ended
Saturday
When these open doors were open-ended

And I read about the afterlife
But I never really lived
And I read about the afterlife
But I never really lived

Two more weeks
My foot is in the door
Me and Pete
In the wake of Saturday
Saturday
When these open doors were open-ended
Saturday
When these open doors were open-ended
Saturday
Saturday

[	mood	|	hopeful	]
[	music	|	Fall Out Boy, Saterday	]

    Picture this, if it isn't to perfect to imagine...A line up of every girl you could ever want...your allowed to pick any girl you want....But theres a catch, once you pick, your soulbound. Theres no re-do's. Once you pick her, your stuck with her. But how do you know if shes right...if shes "her"

- She's gotta have a nice sense of humor, laugh at my stupid jokes...

- She doesn't mind when I play with her hair or when I want to wrestle or "rough house"

- She wants to always be together, even if it means just sitting on the couch watching TV

- She's not afriad to wear her emotions on her sleeve

- She wants to fall asleep with my arms wrapped around her

- She can do anything with me, play video games, watch tv, dance, anything

- And most of all, Nothing matters more than us, She'd do anything


       And for looks....if you can do all this, then your more beautful than any girl in my eyes.
But does a girl of this ... magnitude ... Exist? Becuase if she does, I'm here waiting.

              It turns out im defintly moving back to Virginia Beach, Virginia this summer....I hope shes there, becuase shes not here in Maine....

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	Silence	]

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try turn the tables

I wish you'd unclench your fists, and unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when

Well I'd hope that since we're here anyway
That we could end up saying
Things we've always needed to say
So we could end up staying
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that

How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren't we able, to see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
Now the story's played out like this
Just like a paperback novel
Let's rewrite an ending that fits
Instead of a Hollywood horror

Nothing's wrong, just as long as
You know that someday I will

Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
Someday, somehow
I'm gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
I know you're wondering when

                Best of luck to the both of you...

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	Something Corporate, Break Myself	]

Theres Only 2 songs in the world that can express what I feel right now....

This is the only lonely picture
waiting on my floor
littering my shore
this is the last true burning letter
given to a girl
written by a boy
living in a world created to destroy

but if i built you a city, would you let me
would you tear it down?

but there you go for the last time
i finally know now what i should have known then
that i could still be ruthless if you let me
but there you go and i'm not done
you're waving goodbye, well atleast youre having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me

this is your ghost that kneels before me
razers on her tongue, a body full of oxygen
it wont be the last time she'll ignore me
the thinning of my skin, without the strength to go
the winter's setting in, to cover you in snow

but if i built you a city, would you let me
would you tear it down?

but there you go for the last time
i finally know now what i should have known then
that i could still be ruthless if you let me
but there you go and i'm not done
you're waving goodbye, well atleast youre having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
forget me
forget me
forget me, yeah

ill raise towers and climb them
rivers and walk them
oceans to drown in
you won't make a sound in

but there you go for the last time
i finally know now what i should have known then
that i could still be ruthless if you'll let me
but there you go and i'm not done
you're waving goodbye, but atleast youre having fun
the rising tide will not let you forget me
...forget me

~Something Corporate, Ruthess~

I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all
No

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found her
No

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a r a i n s t o r m
You've got no shelter I'm athousand miles away
If you survive the day

You say your leaving
You say your leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again your the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I ' m   w i l l i n g   t o   b r e a k   m y s  e l f
I ' m   n o t   a f r a i d
I ' m   w i l l i n g   t o   b r e a k   m y s e l f
I ' m   n o t   a f r a i d
I ' m   w i l l i n g   t o   b r e a k   m y s e l f
I ' m   n o t   a f r a i d

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my... reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So much
So much
So much
So much

~Something Corporate, Break Myself~

I can't make you do anything, You've already got your mind set on him, I hope the next boy you kiss has something terribly tasted on his lips. When he makes you cry, you know I'll be there, my day will come, And I know someday, I'll be the only one.

   ~But this time, I won't be there, and I know I'm not the one, So with this I leave you, shouldn't be too hard to forget me, shes all yours dom, congrats. Good luck to both of you

                                   Adios....

[	mood	|	envious	]
[	music	|	Saves the Day, Rocks tonic juice magic	]

I'll tell you all the answer in my next entry, but until then, I leave you in doubt, in question....Of a question

                    Who is Saint Jude?

[	mood	|	anxious	]
[	music	|	Sublime, Chico Me Tipo	]

I shot the Pilot, I'm begging you to fly this for me...

                    Things haven't been all that crazy lately, so not much to write about, just hangin out most of the time. Before I even go on about anything, I want everyone to know, I'm a lvl 48 Undead Warrior and i PWN you, your all n00bies. anyway, not that we have that all cleared up, hung out with drew seth and adam today at the mall. We saw kevin and the naked paranah. Kevin bought us all soda and chips I had one of those code red mountain dews, which i <3 and some cool ranch dooritto chips ( I have no idea how the hell do spell Doorito ) and so we thought instead of eating the chips, we'd put them to work. So every time we saw a chick worth while, we'd go up to her and ask her if she wanted a chip, The perfect pick up line "Hey, wanna chip?" haha.
                 My dad's leaving to Virginia for his new job training, he'll be gone for a little more than 4 months so. I don't wanna move but it gives me a chance to start over so what the hell, might as well make the most of it. Next saterday sleepin over seth's house cuz Marissa is sleeping over Amanda's house and they almost live like, next door to each other. So I'll get to spend some time with marissa and maybe sleep with her ( not sex, but actually sleeping ). I can't deny that I want something to happen, but I'm not getting my hopes up, if anything happens, it will so. Like in the Sublime, 40 oz. of Freedom CD says, Sleeping by yourself at night can make you feel alone. ( Right Back ). I hope we have some fun cuz I can't wait til saterday.
                    Besides that, nothing really going on, when we were at the mall today, were sitting in the 1$ massage chairs ( genious idea ) and I saw this really hott chick and she was walking with her other really hott friend and she looked at me and me being my awsome self couldn't think of anything to do so I just made eye contact and smiled, and she smiled back. And she just sort of walked off. Instead of saying something and not being the pussbag kid thats afriad of girls I am, I didn't. I'm so awsome, and if theres one thing I hate, its to regret something I didn't do. Either life's message was to just go for things, stop being afriad, or the message was just that im afriad of girls and need to get by it. anyway, I was talkin to annie and she says she moving back in april to wells, so hanging out with her before i move will be cool. Thats about it   :\
              Adios Fellas

[	mood	|	Nothing matters anymore	]
[	music	|	Fallout Boy, Homesick at space camp	]

well, not much has happened around here lately, just the usual stuff I guess. I just thought it was time to update since it's been so long since i last updated so...

   Not much I can say about the situation with the ladies, kinda suckin. Maybe I just suck so bad that sam was the only one who would take me, ha, funny thinking about it like that, I guess it's a little late for apologies, oh well, I'll die someday and I won't have the worry about it anymore, but anyway, yeah, nothings really going anywhere lately, mostly consists of me just comin home and thinking about everyone I think I know and then I just get tired of it all and just sleep. So yeah, thats most of my day, wake up, school, come home, sleep, wake up to eat dinner and then go back to bed. When you think about it, when your a kid, when you were scared and you thought that your bed was the safest place out of anywhere, becuase thats where you hide. But its the truth, I think we're all brought up to think that our bed it our sanctuary. When we cry, or get pissed off, or just need to get away from the world, where do you go? I don't know about you, but I go to my room, turn up the music and just lay in my bed, not much to it. I just think it's kinda funny how something as simple as laying on a bed can make us feel so safe nd secure.

    Anyway, over vacation didn't do much besides hang out with seth, drew, luke, and adam. Going to the mall with them was pretty much the highlight of my vacation, the rest was sleeping and eating so. Well theres just not much say anymore, your happier, I'm worse, tomarrows another lifeless day. I hate feeling like a drone, just doing the same thing over and over, everyday, same shit, different day. I guess I just don't have much to be excited about anymore, I dunno, something will come along sooner or later.

                I am moving in like 5 months probably becuase my dad's company he works for it laying off a ton of people and hes probably gonna get fired so they just decided that he'll work while we search for another job and what'd you know, my dad got a job in Manasses, Virginia. Awsome. I'd hate to move and all but it's not like I can stop it so what can ya do.  Nothing, exacly. I guess moving isn't so bad when I realize that we'll have a bigger house, more money, I'll have a car, and I guess it gives me a new chance to start over, a clearn slate. A chance for me to get away from all the shit that happens around here, but then again, all the shit that happens around here is part of my life, and believe it or not, which I'm still having trouble believing, I'll be leaving friends behind.

seth, drew, adam, luke, chris, and all those fellas that I like to think are my friend. As for the rest of you, I guess you'll just be that much happier when I'm gone, which is an awsome thought.

              Adios

[	mood	|	depressed	]
[	music	|	Early November, I want to hear you sad	]

      Well guys, theres not much to write about, I went to the mall on saterday night, slept over drews with adam, that was fun. after, came home on sunday, parents were getting drunk with their friends so it was pretty cool listening to them laugh and go home at 9:30 as  I sat in my room. Awsome. As much as my day feels empty without hanging out with sam, it was my decision and I must stand by it....I guess     Saw lauren at the mall,  hung out with her for a while, that was cool, haven't seen her in so long, and to think, she lives just down the street. Funny how things change over a single summer, friends are lost, new friends are found, you become part of a different group and before you know it, your a new person all together.

        I've been missing the old days alot lately. My dad says he'll be losing his job in a few months, so he applied for a plant in manasses, Virginia. So looks like I'll be moving this summer. I guess thats why I've been thinking about the old days so much. I don't wanna leave, this sux.  Even tho we don't talk much anymore, I don't wanna move away from sam, or my best friend seth, or my other friends. and the same for marissa and lizz and lauren, even tho we don't talk much anymore, every time I see them at the mall, or at the movies, it makes it that much worse. I made you the promises I wanted to keep but we just drifted apart slowly. Sorry I couldn't keep my promise, sorry I couldn't hold my end of the deal up, sorry I suck so bad. I don't wanna get carried away on how me and marissa could have been great, or how me and sam could have been great or how anything could have been. Things are the way they are and theres nothing I can do about it. but I can tell you, I have maybe 6 months left around here and I anttend to make the best of it, so I'll have enough memories to bring me back home, back to here, where I'll find nothing left but an old memory and a picture to make me think about life. Becuase you, my friends, made this place worth it. and now  I leave you, for once and until later, again, I bid you adue, adue...adue

[	mood	|	bored	]
[	music	|	Sublime, doin time	]

   Alright, so before I go on about anything, I have to say.

         Just to start off, It wasn't my intention to end it like that but what can you do. Second off, sorry. ok, now to go the good stuff. and I want everyone to know that I'm not gonna be a pussbag and hide behind the text, full names will be used.

              You said you didn't wanna not be friends and you didn't want me to never talk to you and try to avoid you, should we brake up, well, that kinda doesn't work now does it when you stare me down as I walk by you every time in the hallway. Yes sam, I think its awsome how you stare me down, and next time I think I'll stare back. And for all the other friends of sam, such as jacky, kelly, and lauren, haha....oh man...  I love how you won't even look at me in the eye lauren, I think thats AWSOME. when it has absolutly nothing to do with you, go play with seth or something, I'm sorry, im being mean, but I just find that hysterical, worry about your own relationship. As for kelly and jacky, eh... Nothin really with you, but for some reason I have a feeling we won't be having a conversation anytime soon. A wise man I know named Justin Norton said..."These traip girls....they're a funny breed..." And how wise he was.

                 So much drama, so much contraversy, I love it, haha.    You told me you hated drama sam, and here you are. creating it.

Not that I'm not sad me and sam aren't going out anymore, cuz don't get me wrong, I am but I love hypocrits. And oh yeah, lauren and sam and jacky and kelly and who-ever else, if you honestly think that it was just for the sex, If that makes you feel confertable before you go to bed every night and if thats what you have to tell yourself in the morning, knock yourself out, but if you honestly think that, Your retarded, should seek professional mental help at the nearest clinic. but thats just my opinion, doesn't mean much I guess. And what shocks me the most  ( Doesn't really shock me but hey... ) is that when sam just wanted to be friends, it was ok, no one had a problem, but when I do, its a conspiracy, HAHAHAHAHAH. I love it, I simply Love It.

                     If your reading this and don't agree with one of the things I've said above, your probably one of the people I wrote about above, but if your not, believe it, its the truth, we all know it.

And if you want me to say "yes, I only went out with you for sex" which isn't true but if you want me to say it, if it makes you feel better

Yes, I only went out with you for the sex.      Happy? Enjoy.

P.S.  I love Traip.